For a little bit, I was working in an office this summer. I had some fun with the company emails I wrote. I have included an abridged edition here as certain identifiers needed to be changed of course. Obviously it was a secured building, but I didn’t feel that detail needed to be changed as many buildings are nowadays.
I needed to share this as I feel this saga was some of my most recent best comedic writing. Ya can’t make this stuff up people!
Please enjoy the many pop culture and geeky references sprinkled through-out as well.
Sent: Wednesday, June 26, 2019 12:15 PM
Subject: Invader of the flying variety
Summer is here and we all know what that means….
Sunny days, lots of nice fresh air…and bugs. Insects. Creepy crawlies and creepy, er, fly-ees.
Whelp, there is a wasp making itself at home out in the main entry way between the front door and the second door you use your swipe badge at. He was last seen flying around out there like he owned the place after making his presence known by flying around in the light above me for awhile before making his descent. I corralled him out there and shut the door.
He probably was like “I will catch a ride!” and got in here without even waiting to buzz in; tailgating like no one would notice. Rude. No manners with these bugs these days, I tell ya.
Please refrain from opening the door between the hall and the front area up here cause he went the first time out there without complaint, but considering his general attitude he probably won’t play so nice next time I try to get him out there.
Be careful fellow co-workers. Don’t get stung. Do feel free however, to escort him from the building as he has not been graced with a visitor badge and won’t be either.
Sent: Wednesday, June 26, 2019 3:47 PM
Subject: Follow up on the invader situation
*Announcer Voice* When last we met our heroine, she was safely enclosed in the area up front, wasp acting all high and mighty outside of the window mocking her.
I hadn’t seen the wasp in awhile. Everything quieted down and a few people said they didn’t see him anywhere and that he probably crawled away.
I figured the wasp was trying to lull me into a false sense of security. Then I thought with everyone going in and out of the building so much, he must have left. Surely. After-all, he wasn’t outside of the window flying around mocking me anymore. A few hours passed. I figured it was all good.
Then no. The wasp swooped down from above me yet again (He was channeling his inner Batman) and it turns out that my battle cry (ie. squeals of terror) did not deter him. If anything, it seemed to motivate him and egg him on more.
When he decided to head for my face I grabbed some paper (channeling a Dr. Strange magic shield) and tried to protect my face. Nina was up here to witness this amazing feat (ahem). That or she was hiding behind the wall, unclear at this time. Anyways, he must have been intimidated by my menacing facade because he veered off course and fled upwards. A few others were walking by and saw his cowardly self hiding up there in the light again.
So, I let George know and he headed to grab the bug spray. I used this opportunity to then save what I was working on and clock out for break. I wasn’t here for the battle scene that I’m sure took place soon afterward, but I imagine the hypothetical score for it would have been epic.
After break, I came back and saw the spray, but not the wasp. I figured he probably crawled off somewhere to make his final buzz sounds. Then I rethought that and hoped he wasn’t under my desk or something. I went and asked George and he told me where the wasp was and soon came up to clean up the remains. That’s right everyone, you read that correctly, that wasp is gone. Dead. Hasta la vista el buggo. Not all heroes wear capes.
R.I.P. wasp, but I won’t miss you. Sorry not sorry.
Sent: Thursday, June 27, 2019 8:28 AM
Subject: The battle continues….
*Announcer Voice* Ladies and gentleman, the battle continues for our heroine. Only this time, she wasn’t the one attacked; she was witness to the screams and squeals of another victim of the merciless flying variety…
There is nothing like settling in to do your morning routine, sipping on some lovely energizing green tea, listening to some lofi hiphop, starting on your spreadsheet task of the morning when all of a sudden someone walks in the door screaming in sheer terror. It’s enough to bring back memories of cheerleading practice. Anyways, I won’t give up who it was, because we have all fallen victim to this before right? Besides I have read hippa privacy laws and I won’t give out personal information to no one, no where, no how.
This poor human ran into the front area, sat down, and took a moment to collect herself. I may or may not have panicked a little in confusion before calmly (let’s be real, manically) asking “What? What is it? What happened? Are you okay?” After a few tries we worked out that she had a wasp swoop right in front of her face when she walked in and we closed the outer door up here as George came out to see what the hubbub was about. It was about another wasp. Yes, he got word out to his friends and brethren.
I instructed her to take some deep cleansing breaths. (I coulda been a yoga instructor in another life.)
George said there is probably a nest(!) somewhere and checked out front around the awning where the bird next is; but no go. Still, this nest theory is probably accurate.
In conclusion, dear readers, er, co-workers, please-and I cannot stress this enough-be careful coming in and out of the door up here because this is apparently wasp central station now and they may be soon working out a way to infiltrate the entire building. I have heard tell of them showing up in other rooms around here, again uninvited and unwanted, which makes me believe they may be attempting to surround and flank us unaware. We can’t stand for this people. We cannot let them win.
Be diligent. Be brave.
And whatever you do don’t let them convince you to use your swipe badge to let them in!
In conclusion, the exterminator was called to come out and he found not one, not two, but three(!) nests outside of the building. After they were taken care of, only occasionally was a wasp spotted and that was small fries compared to the fact that in one day a fire extinguisher, water, and the fire department were all involved in The Case of The Burning Mulch…but that’s a story for a different day…